Yoooo, it's Sputnik, and welcome to my channel! Since I currently work as a game designer at Best Buy, a lot of my posts are going to have to do with video gaymes, why I am a brilliant designer, and defending the Wii U as a legitimate console. Also keep an eye out for the <deep> tags, so you know when to tear up, get outraged, or remove your clothing.
Today I'm going to talk about an issue that is close to my heart and several other organs that the doctors say are failing. I'll be talking about how vidya games <deep>helped me overcome my troubled childhood</deep>. You, see, when I was just a child, I was bullied because I don't really have a butt. Every day at recess they would call me "No-Butts McGee" and no one ever traded their Yu-gi-oh cards with me. One day however, during my usual garbage rummaging, I found an old PSP color with the cartridge still in it. That's when I was introduced to Metrod for the fist time, and I was immediately hooked. You see, Metrod was just like me: I had a speech impediment and Metrod never talked; I had no butt, and Metrod was a robot so he had no butt; my internal dialogue sucked ass, and so did his. Me and Metrod were an unstoppable team, and let me tell you, we stomped those Goombas all the way back to Green Hill Zone.
For the rest of the year I was inspired to be just like Metrod. I wore a paper towel roll on my arm and a Doritos bag on my head, so that I looked just like him. Every day I went around shouting "Pew Pew! Take that The Covenant!" while making questionable advances on a life-sized cardboard cutout of iCarly that I carried around. And wouldn't you know, people started thinking I was cool! They invited me to their piss drinking contests and were always willing to share their raw eggs with my face. Sure, I may have broken my legs one or two or 17 times trying to use my super boosters to fly back to Pikmin, and sure iCarly may have broken up with me, but all-in-all they were the best years of my life.
That is, until <deep>the bullying started</deep>. You see, when I went to summer school for flunking out of my junior high gym classes, there was this jerk named Correy. Correy used to always make fun of me and ruin my good times. He would say things like "Metrod is a girl she just uses magic to be a guy" and "I bet you can't even speedrun the wavedash!" He thought he knew my Metrod better than I did. Once he even told the teachers on me because I had spent overnight in the trash bin "pretending" to be in ball mode. To make things worse I'm 95% sure he hacked my runescape account and stole my rune pick.
Finally Junior High ended last year. Correy went on to High School, but I didn't because I'm so smart I'm already finished with school. I'm looking to get back together with iCarly, and maybe even go for a civil union. Every morning I rub orange juice all over my body to try and color myself like my hero, and I hear there's even a Metrod Happy Meal toy coming out soon, so that's exciting. I was unfortunately unable to get a restraining order against Correy, because apparently "imaginary friends" are not valid legal parties, but I don't see him much anyway, though I do still occasionally hear his whispers from the dark abyss demanding human sacrifice.
Tomorrow I'm up for a job interview at Subway; I'm going to show them how good a Sandwich Technician I can be. I'll let you guys know!
Signing off,
Sh000ts fyrd
